I can't believe it's already August. In this busy time of trying to get our house ready for Dad and Betsy to visit, and then put on the market to sell (hurray!), today I stopped the chaos to think of our little angel that we lost 2 years ago today. I was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant by August 1st of 2006. By the end of the day, I wasn't pregnant anymore.
So today I sat down and wrote a little something for Baby Stratton, who if s/he would have made it to earth, would be 17 months and 14 days old today. Here is a little excerpt:
It's pretty hard to believe that we lost you 2 whole years ago. It was awful and horrible, and it left me with this big old hole somewhere that I didn't know how to fill. I didn't even know it was there until I knew about you. It's always going to be there, but I feel differently now. Not as devastated, angry or bitter, but still very sad. But I just want you to know that even though you were so very tiny, your just being in my world for that short time changed me in ways that I'm so thankful for.
So baby, thank you so much for showing me that it's possible for me to be a mommy. I don't know when it will be (I really wish I did), but you showed me that it can happen. Things might not work out, but it can happen. It's really hard to not have you here with us, but today I just wanted to say thank you for teaching me so much about myself, and about how fragile and miraculous life really is. I think I have a sharper awareness of a lot of things now. Some little things don't bother me quite as much.
I often wonder why you were given to us and then taken away so fast. As much as I'm still very hurt and sad, I realize now that this is a learning process. This is life. Maybe I would have been impatient with you. Maybe I would have gotten angry over little things that really don't matter. Maybe I wouldn't have taken you out in the world and showed you as many things as I would now. I don't know. What I do know is that no matter what, if and when you come back to us, we will be ready. And you can be ready for a beautiful life. I want you to see it all. Until then, I will try and be patient. I'm working on that.
Love,
Mommy.
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2 comments:
I swore I left a comment... guess not. Sorry sweetie!! I hope you are shining down on your mommy and daddy Shamrock! You have the best mommy in the world! I know she loves and misses you tons! Send my lil guy my love and a kiss!!
Love,
Auntie Brina =)
Thinking of you on this day and everyday Julie. I am so thankful that I have come to know you over the last 2 years. I know that one day you will get your take home baby and you are going to be the best mommy and daddy there is to s/he. I know that your mommy and daddy miss you baby Shamrock and love you so much. Please help look out for all the other august angels up there with you and we will see you all again someday.
Love,
Auntie Nikki
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